Harry Potter and the fanfic author
by Nonbendo
Summary: Harry meets a fanfic author who does weird stuff to him
1. Chapter 1

Harry potter and the author of this fanfic.

Disclaimer: I don't own harry potter, which is why this fic is titled as it is, rather than being harry potter and JK Rowling or something because i'm not jk rowling. Jk rowling owns harry pooter and I don't. As such it is not I who owns harry potter but jk rowling. Duh.

Chapter 1: harry meets a fanfic author while time freezes and they turn him into a girl who can fry the troll and then snape takes points and dumbledore gives more.

Business as usual till Hogwarts begins. Events happen as normal up till the troll, but then time stops.

"Sup Harry?" asked a voice.

"Um... who are you?" harry asked.

"I'm the author. Not JK Rowling, but a fanfic author," They explained. They were wearing a great big cloak and their face was shielded by a dark veil of darkness that was made of darkness.

"Alright, so I was with you up till you said the word author," Harry replied.

"Alright hold on," the author said, pulling out a very sleek and expensive and fancy looking laptop (but harry potter is set in the early 90 so harry didn't know what a laptop was) and typed, "And... then... harry... knew... what... I... was... talking... about."

"Um... so Rowling wrote me, and made the Dursleys hit me with frying pans?" Harry asked, confused.

"I don't think she meant the second part to happen, some authors' creations kind of take on a life of their own, but yeah, so anyway, I have a deal for you. You can do this fight the canon way, which would result in embarrasment and be kind of boring, or I can change your history, preferably in a new way. hm... most things have been done at this point, though. What to do, what to do? Ooh I think I just thought of something. The girl part's been done many times of course, but I've never seen..." the author began typing "And... then... harry... was... a... nerdy... pretty... clever... girl... named... Isabelle... and... the...scar... was... on... her.. left... butt... instead... of... her... forehead."

"What?!" Isabelle Potter protested. The author helpfully held up a giant mirror, the ones in the bathroom weren't working because time was frozen. Harry glared at the girl's long black hair, feminine face, pretty lips, and already b cup breasts. "Why?!"

"It's funny, and don't worry, the Dursleys love you now. And you know more spells, one in particular should get rid of your Uncle Vernon's slightly thinner brother here. It may take some time to sort through your new memories. Also here's a full set of JK Rowling's books, they should come in handy, and they'll look like normal textbooks unless you say the word "squiddlydoodlefluffer," so try not to say that word in casual conversation. And here's a bag of items you're going to need starting next week... actually, let's say, tomorrow morning. Something to look forward to."

Bella looked in the bag, and could only blush. That was most certainly NOT something to look forward to. She glared at the author.

"Hey, no need to get mad. You'll appreciate the changes overall, I'm sure, so now to start the show," the author said, and suddenly time started moving again.

The big smelly troll raised it's club, Isabelle raised her wand. "Fulminos," she cried, and lightning shot out at the troll, it fell over, dead. Just as snape, mcgonagall, and Dumbledore ran into the bathroom.

"What The fucking motherfucking godfuckingdamned superfuck is fucking going the fuck on in this motherfucking bathroom?!" screamed snape while screaming as he frothed at the mouth, his face purple and his eyes bulging with a wrath unmatched by the devil himself.

"I remembered after you guys left that I had heard that hermione was... sick... in the bathroom, so I came to look for her hoping to warn her of the troll and drag her back to the common room. But then the the troll attacked with a big giant club, so I zapped it. I would've ran, but it trapped hermione in the bath room and would've smashed her to tiny bits had I not intervened," Isabelle explained intelligently.

"Well, that fucking explains that, but in the fucking future you should fucking bloody well tell a Doctor-Professor," said Snape.

"?," said Isabelle, "But there weren't any professors in the Great Big Fat Hall at the Tim, and there's no such thing as a doctor-professor!" Isabelle protested.

"ARE YOU GODDAMNED FUCKING INSULTING MY FUCKING GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING PROFESSION YOU MOTHERFUCKING PATHETIC FUCKING STUDENT, ELEVENTY BILLION POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!" Demanded Snape.

"But cerberus, she is quite correct about that my friend, twentytwoty bullion points to Gryphingdor for being right about stuff." Said Bumble Roar.

"Well that's your opinion!" Schnape schnaid Schneidly.

"Actually it's a fact, "Said dumbulldoor, reading from the big book of all the job titles ever that he pulled out." There is no such thing as a doctor-professor. A doctor who professes is still simply known as a profession, unless he also does doctoring in which case he is just a doctor uncles he wants to be called professior.

"FINE," FINED SNAPE, "BUT ELVENTY BILLION FUCKING POINTS FROM GRYPHON DOOR FOR KNOWING MORE THAN ME!"

"That doesn't seem like a bad thing..." Isabelle protected.

"AND ELEVENTY FUCKING BILLION FUCKING MORE GODDAMN POINTS FOR FUCKING TALKING FUCKING BACK!" snape screamed in a furious fury that would make demons and angels alike run for the mountains.

"And infinity billion untakebackable points to gryffindor for frying a mountain troll. And infinity billion points from slitherin for excessive and ridiculous point taking," said dumble boar wisely.

"But... but... but," snape stamped.

And then Isabelle Pooter went back to her rooms to sleep that were the Gryffindorms.


	2. Chapter 2

Harry Pouter and the fanfic author chap 2 Isable invents a nude spell.

Disclaimer: I don't own Parry Hotter, I'm probalby not teh forst to come up wiv isabell poter either, but this verizon of her is my oc sort of but also kind of not because shes a tg of harry plotter but wuth a completely diffenrt pearsonality. It's weird I know but pritty cool right?

Isabelle Potter was in a on time only magically magical dance class that was taught by Professor Dumblerdore. Dumblerdore was magically dancing to demonstarte a magical dance to the stupidents. The magical dance involved him dancing a flying dance with jazz hands and doin a portamino(AN it's a kinda spinny hop dance move.)

"The adantage of magically magical dance over regular spellwork in that you can make lots of spell effects by what moves you do. The disadavantages is that it taeks longer and you look like some sort of idiot doing it because it's dancing," Proferssor Udmelborskador explained. "So don't ever use magically magic dance in fornt of other people like i'm doing right now, now you al try. You first hermoine."

"So Hermione got up and danced in front of everlyone and at the end of her danced objects stated flying into all the guys in the classes' nuts."

"Ow" groaned all the guys in the class in agony.

"Lol" Laughed all the girls in the class in delight includding Isabelle who was a guy once but was a girl now because the author turned him who is now her into one while he was fighting voldemrot last chapter. (In case you forget.)

"Now get up boys, that is not how you dance," Said Professor Dumbeldore who had turned around his neck and did not see all the nut hitting and thoguth the girl were laughing at the boys lousy dancing skills that they were displaying by laying on the florr in pain because hermiones dancing also gave him a compelsion to turn aroudn.

Then the boys got up all angry and got mad and did a big magic dance that dummoned a big giant drAgon that roared and chased all the girls back up to the girls room dorms and the girls all hid under their beds for forty days and forty nights becausdee they were scarred of the big magic dragon.

Teh big magic dragon roared with the force of a thousand roars and roared down the girls room door, roaring at the door, which resisted not the roar beaucause the door roar was a roaring door of the Boars. but couldn't get slide the up stairs because it turned down into a slid because the big magic dragon was a boy big magic dragon.

Forutnantly the girls has big piles of big food supplies under their beds that they could eat forever and not starve or have to resort to cannibalism until only one of them remined.

And then voldemort came into the classroom with a big scowl on his face. The girls all scremed like girls which was okay because they were girls so it's okay that they screemed like girls because they're girls and because they was scarred of vroldemort. He looked angry and evil. Voldemort cast "avad-" but wasn't able to finish his spell because all the students were dancing magic dance again and so objects started flying at his crotch and he had to run for the hills to avoid the objects.

When voldesnort got the hills he had to punch himself in the nose because he remembered he had to give up his gentials for the horecross to make him immoral so he was also immune to crotch attacks because he din't have gentiles.

Because voldemsnort was running back the giant squid leapt out the lake with the force of a thousand leaps and flopped down on voldemort wrapping him up in its tentacles. Voldemort was a little scared to be honest, and ran out of the room castign avada kedavras over his shoulder and some mermaids started singing. The giant squid smaked voldemort with one of its big floppy tentacles, and voldemort was bothered by this and he turned around and avada kedavrad with the force of a thousand avada kedavras, it hit the giant squid and the poor defenseless giant squid died.

Suddenly Then hadgrid leapt out of his hut with the sward of gryphon door and a Ghoughphtheightteeau with a timer on it which was a Ghoughphtheightteeau Grenade, which he threw at the Voldemrot and it exploded throwing mashed Ghoughphtheightteeaus and fire and Ghoughphtheightteeau shrapnel everywhere. Voldemort was stunned by the Ghoughphtheightteeau carbs because he followed a stricked ketosis diet to maintain his skinny snakelike figure. Then hargrid summoned Grawmp to fight Voldmeort so Grawmp picked up voldemornt and throwed him into the sun, and voldemot died but only mostly because of his horcroxes. Hageid put butter on some of the mashed Ghoughphtheightteeaus and some salt and pepper and ate them and they tasted good, just like mashed Ghoughphtheightteeaus. He wished they had some gravy on them though, so he used a time tuner to go back in thyme. Then he killed a super fat big pig and turned it into bacon, then cooked the bacon and made gravy out of the grease, while the past hagrid went out with the sword of gryphondoor to fight voldemort. So past hagrid came back in with the mashed Ghoughphtheightteeaus and future hagrid put the gravy on the mashed Ghoughphtheightteeaus and they had mashed Ghoughphtheightteeaus and Gravy, and they were delicious.

And then Isabelle potter woke up from that crazy dream and was like "WTF?!" and it worke up hermione who was like "LANGUAGE!" which then woke up all the other grills, who started yelling at hermione to shut her facehole, and everyboyd started yelling at each other until mcgonalgal burt in and magicked them all back to seep.


	3. Chapter 3

Harry Pouter and the fanfic author chap 3 Isable invents a nude spell.

Disclaimer: I don't own Parry Hotter, I'm probalby not teh forst to come up wiv isabell poter either, but this verizon of her is my oc sort of but also kind of not because shes a tg of harry plotter but wuth a completely diffenrt pearsonality. It's weird I know but pritty cool right?

Isabelle Potter was in a one-time only magically magical dance class that was taught by Professor Dumblerdore. Dumblerdore walked in and wrote on the chalkboard, "There's no such thing as magical dance, silly students." Then said "Now, that's all you need to know about magical pantimume. Now you have a free two hours, enjoy them, or use them to read books like I know one of you in particular will." Hermione pulled out a pile of books and carried it off while reading the top one. She accidentally dropped onE of them into a boys lap which and it was a really big heavy book that crushed his nuts.

"Oww," he moaned in agony.

"Ow," Moaned all the guys in sympathy

"Lol," Laughed all the girls in amusement.

The boy was darko marfoy. "GIMME MY BOOK BACK!1!" Hermikone screamed with the force of a thousand screams and garbed the book back that Darko had stolen and stromed off..

"Infinity Billion ponts from slitherin for stealing books Droko, I except bester form someone who will be a prefect in 3 years even though I don't know about that yet," Berated Dumbledoree.

A few days latter Isabelle was working on a brand nude spell. She was gong to give it to Gred and Forge for a prank. They were planning a prank on slythrien for fun and profit. They didn't know how they would profit, but one way or another, they would prophet.

Gred and Forgecast the spell at the slyterins the nest morning and it turned all their clothes pink and all their galleons teleported into Gred and Forge's pockets. Then they sold the galleons at the boat store for galleons.

What a great way to prophet, said Gred.

"you could say it was almost-" Began Forge.

"Piracy!" Finished Gred.

"But the best part is how no one suspected us," Said Forge.

"No no, they suspect us. they just can't prove we did it. It would be terrible if they didn't suspect us." replied Gred.

"Even if it meant…?" Asked Forge.

"Don't even think of that!" Said Gred.

"Alas, I must! I fear the horrors that would await us If I venture into that hatefulness unprepared." Moaned Forge.

"Fear not dear brother, For I shall walk with you!" Braveried Gred.

And then a potions explosion because snape unfairly dropped a turnip into the potion they were brewing. The explosion was so large that it blew them to France. A buncha French people were walking around the Nukular that had erased their brains 10,000,000 years ago so they could only say "Sackray Blue," and "Bone Jor."

"I don't think we'er in englishland anymore Gred," Said Gred because they liked tricking people.

"How are we going to get off this horrid island, also it's your day to be Gred, I was Gred yesterday, remember?"

A French person came up and tried to eat Gred's brain because french people's brains are dead so they have to try to eat live brains so they can be alive for a while. Forge shot the French person in the head with a spell that briefly turned his wand into a gun and shot a magic bullet, and then an owl came saying that he was expelled for doing magic. Gred Ripped the skin off a nearby French person and wrote words on it to make it a letter and sent it back saying "Help, we're in FRANCE!" and sent it back.

"SACKRAY BLUE!" yelled all the French people, trying to claw at the owl and eat its brains, but the owl which was a magic super owl, was must too fast for them. Soon a buncha aurors showed up, casting magic bullet spells at the French people, blowing up a buncha their noggins and forcing them back into their French holes. Then the French king came out of his French hole, with an innumerable number of tentacles and eyeablls and extra arms and legs (AN: Basically like alucard from hellsing ultimate. (AN: I don't own that anime (AN: except for my dvd copies which I purchased in a legal manor because I don't have a shoulder parrot and peg leg,(AN: Lol Geddit?) which makes tkhings confusing but you get what I mean,) but its epic af.) but it's a good anime) The aurors killed the French king with an amazing formation of bullet spell shooting, and the French menace was eradicated. The muggles were extremely confussed to say the least, for the French menace had disappeared overknight and mexico was freed of it's plague. But what they didn't see was a single mutant radioactive nukular French spore that they didn't see and missed, wafting on a breeze toward canandidaland.

The Aurors took Gred and Forge back to Hogfarts, and Gred and Forge told them how snape caused their potions explode, and the aurors went and yelled at him with the force of a thousand yells, saying,

"How dare you put a turnip in the poition. Do you need to have your potion teaching license revoked? It clearly says in the ancient potion rulebook, "Never put turnips in a potion, for they explode!" Rule 743. Have you not memorized every rule in the ancient potions textbook? It is very impotent to remeberize these things!"

And that is how snape was put on probartion for negilegence was put on probabtion for neglectence.

End of chapter!

And the Mutant Radioactive Nukular French Spore landed on a piece of pie at a canandian restaurant, and was subsequently eaten by an unsuspecting woman, who then got amazing French powers.

OR IS IT?!


	4. The chapter of the number which is 4 the

Chpapipter for.

And so it was that Isabelle Potter who was no longer male but now female because of the author that likes messing with perfectly good characters was running around the hogwarts quidditch court on a brom. It was because she was seeking a snitch which was flying around someplace, but malfoy who was the opposing seeker hit a buldger at her with a beater boot he had stolen, so she asked gred to hit it back and he did and it hit malfoy in the nuts and all the girls watching laughed. Then she caught the snitch because she's a good sneeker. And glyffindor one.

So malfoy died of his asploded nuts, and gilderoy lockheart gave him flowers so he wouldn't be sad that he was no longer a man. Malfoy accused Isabelle of cheating, but she pointed out that he was the one who kicked a bludger at her, which wasn't very nice of him.

"Hm... good point. I apologize," Replied malfoy.

Meanwhile Gred and Forge were telling everyone about when they were in france.

"I don't believe you, you weren't in france because france is a myth!" said malfoy.

"Dumbledor carborated our story, you can't disbelieve an eyewitness. It's ironclad!" Said Gred and Forge agnrily!

"Oh, okay," Said Malfoy with belief.

"Well, that's settled," said Isabelle, "You know, France is very dangerous. You should be careful if you're ever there again, French people really like to eat american brains." Said Isabelle and then it was time for historectomy of magic class so they went.

Professior Trashbin came into the room and started asking test questions of popquizness.

"What is the 53rd state of america and when was it ratified into existence?" asked Professor Trashbin.

So Isabelle raised her hand, "IT's our staate of England! Which is the best of all states. Better even than liquid! That's our state slogan. It was taken aback from the french menace 5000 years ago by a brave and powerful pharoah."

"Wrong!" Declared professor Trashbin. "It wasn't a pharoah but an emperor of africa! Pharaohs are kings of china, not amerika."

and then hermione cried becuse she got the question wrong.

"Don't cry, you were close at least. It is okay," Consoled Professor Trashbin.

"Yeah, IT's okay1" Consoled Isabelle, and then colin creevery knocked on the dork.

"I'm oclin creavey, I have to escort Isabelle to the meeting of triwizard chapmione said.

"oh okay," Said Professor Trashbin. So Isnabelle wet.

And they were at the thing and then a rat ran in and turned into peter pettigrow who said "Bone of the servant, forcibly given, you'll bring your son back to live" and ripped out his radius and hit a nearby baby with it. "Hand of the daddy, willingly stolen, you'll res your uber 1337 master yo!" he held up a blood hand and the baby ate it. "Hair of the chick, you'll revive your futrue rapper!" and scissored off osme of isabelle's hair which the baby also ate and then it turned into voldemort.

"OH NO!" screeched Isabelle in horrified rage.

"OH NO!" screamed Dumbledore.

"OH NO!" Screamed Cedric

"OH NO!" Screamed Flem Delacour

"OH NO!" Screamed Vikrum Kotor

"OH YEAH!" screamed Voldemort while screaming.

"Now I will kill Isabelle potter!" Said Voldmeorte.

"No you won't," Said Isabelle Potter

"Yes I will!" Said Voldemort.

"No you won't." Said Isabelle Potter.

"YES I WILL!" said Voldemort.

"No you won't," said Isabelle Potter.

"YES! I! WILL!" Roared Voldemort with a fury that threatened to slay all those present.

"Yes you will," said Isabelle Potter calmly.

"NO I WON'T!" Screamed Voldemort.

"Yes you will," Said Isabelle Potter calmly.

"NO I WILL NOT! I WILL NOT HARM A HAIR ON YOUR HEAD!" exclaimed voldemort furiously with fury.

"Oh okay," replied Isabelle, "Well then, could you sing a song about me in a rap esque style?"

"Of course, Sit down and let V-daddy lay some beats on you, sexy lady. DJ, start playing."

and the dj started doing that weird thing where they spin the record backwards and playing rap music which was annoying and repititive like rap music usually is. Hip hip is bester. And then voldemort rapped her with the funk of a thousand raps, as follows:

"Isabelle Potter is Isabelle Potter

She is the girl, used to be a feller

The boy who lived, the chosen one,

Isabelle Potter is Isabelle Potter."

and then the rest of the song was the same thing repeated 999 times, which is still far less annoying and repitive than every other rap song so someone gave Voldesnort a best rapper ever award!

And that is how voldemort was redemped. The end.

Somewhere else the author in their mysterious robe of mystery was laughing maniacally with the force of a thousand laughs and typing in their laptop.

OR IS IT?!


End file.
